PottyGate 2015

 Deep Breath Deep Breath. I kept giving myself mental pep talks as I re - entered the modern day office.  The real workforce. I was now a part of this thing it seemed real adults beyond my capacity took part in. I knew how to be an independent contractor . I knew how to be my own boss or be THE BOSS. With that came the reality that I alone am responsible for my own income.

But when you're more prone to great ideas and little drive everyday ends up Friday and not the Joel Olsteen book version. The kind of Friday where you give up and check out before the job is done because well - It's Friday.
This, however was Monday , day 1. I had left the job where I would make the world a better place because there is noly so much of little kids doing the PeeWee Herman while simultaneously saying yous a hoe bag miss yous a hoe bag that you can take before your make the world a better place attitude takes a what came first the chicken or the egg mentality.

 Did these parents give up and lose custody because of the child or did the child act this way because the parent gave up?? I know it's never the child's fault but I am married with 4 kids I am underappreciated enough. So when this 9-5 came through and I already adored my boss to be I could only say Thank you Jesus.

I digress, It was 9 am a meeting scheduled and a tour to begin my day. There were tacos for the morning meeting and a potluck scheduled for lunch! Score! Then the tour began. There were innuendos that didn't apply to me (on-going office animosity in no way involving me but possibly addressing a paper towel scandal) and talk of missing bathroom keys and work e-mails addressing the missing bathroom keys! This was the jack pot. I do not like drama for myself . I can not handle the stress I literally freak out and then shut down - but I am a cheerleader & sidelines popcorn eating hoe for other people's drama. I love a good train wreck. I have a dark side that morns anytime someone in my Facebook newsfeed gets sober and  I suddenly can't look up their most recent status to feel better about my life. 

As soon as I got to my desk I was informed that no personal e-mails should ever pass through the walls of my sacred work e-mail. There are literally employees hired at the home office to do nothing but read through e-mails to avoid illegal financial activity. SOMEONE HAND ME THE MIKE AND IKES! I was heading into the second scene. As soon as I was left alone at my desk I searched bathroom keys. BING. BING , BING. I named it PottyGate before I even read them. Sadly they were lackluster and held no true dramatic effect. No one accusing the fat guy of having diabetes and always going to the bathroom therefor he must have them, no affair and an ill gotten lover storming out and forgot return them. Just plain and simple , someone left them on their wrist and returned the keys that day.

 So far I am learning that I can make my way back in the workforce and the solitude I love is my best friend in my cubicle . Often talking to other adults is no different than talking with my children . Today in the staff meeting there was the kindest reprimand I've ever heard about being to loud one day last week and my mind was ablaze with loud sentences " LOOK YOU'RE AN ADULT" "YOU'RE IN A REAL MEETING AND YOURE BEING TOLD TO KEEP THE VOLUME DOWN" I didn't die and I haven't screwed anything up yet. The most exciting thing did happen - Another set of keys have disappeared. Maybe the stress of these keys will start an e-mail worth eating popcorn.