I also learned life may have been easier if someone had taken it upon them selves to have me medicated during this time right after my divorce, if I could spell and possibly spent a little less time at church.......
Life Beat of My Heart
My heart it beats a soft soft whisper,
Abba , Jesus, Lover, Father,
Two syllables keeping me alive - thump thump,
Yet there is existence a cry a calling in each beat,
Its heavy in my chest, Its holding by a thread,
Yet I remember he lives and is not dead,
Not mourning on the cross, not distant , not far away
He lives and loves me each day,
Should we go on sinning that grace may abound,
In the ugly mud I slip and feel I could drown,
Child Child Lover of my soul,
Pick up that cross carry your bed follow me away from here we must go,
Again I feel life,
Abba, Father, Savior, Lover
Thump, Thump
It beats again.......
For Gee Wiz
Abba , Jesus, Lover, Father,
Two syllables keeping me alive - thump thump,
Yet there is existence a cry a calling in each beat,
Its heavy in my chest, Its holding by a thread,
Yet I remember he lives and is not dead,
Not mourning on the cross, not distant , not far away
He lives and loves me each day,
Should we go on sinning that grace may abound,
In the ugly mud I slip and feel I could drown,
Child Child Lover of my soul,
Pick up that cross carry your bed follow me away from here we must go,
Again I feel life,
Abba, Father, Savior, Lover
Thump, Thump
It beats again.......
For Gee Wiz
Stuck in what you see,
Can not bust out before you judge me,
Trapped by what you preconceive,
Mirror isn't honest it doesn't pierce my soul,
Can't get over it cause its you who wont let go,
I know you would love me if you'd let me let you in,
I know you'd love me if you'd get past the skin,
I am not who you see,
I am not who you perceive,
I am the man that God made I am the man fallen slave to your eyes,
I am made perfect what you see is a disguise,
Do you ponder can you grasp,
What I say Who I am perfectly made A Godly man....
Can not bust out before you judge me,
Trapped by what you preconceive,
Mirror isn't honest it doesn't pierce my soul,
Can't get over it cause its you who wont let go,
I know you would love me if you'd let me let you in,
I know you'd love me if you'd get past the skin,
I am not who you see,
I am not who you perceive,
I am the man that God made I am the man fallen slave to your eyes,
I am made perfect what you see is a disguise,
Do you ponder can you grasp,
What I say Who I am perfectly made A Godly man....
You not here anymore but I can feel you,
Covers keep me warm but the chill it rushes down my back,
I feel you,
The bleeding stopped but I twinge when touched there,
I feel you,
The pillow is soft and comforts my neck but I gasp like I am choking,
your gone but I feel you,
They say you kicked the devil out and let him leave his bags
Your gone - I can feel you
Covers keep me warm but the chill it rushes down my back,
I feel you,
The bleeding stopped but I twinge when touched there,
I feel you,
The pillow is soft and comforts my neck but I gasp like I am choking,
your gone but I feel you,
They say you kicked the devil out and let him leave his bags
Your gone - I can feel you
TWISTED TANGLED WORDS SWELLING IN MY THROAT,
Scramble for a pen search the pockets in my coat,
My minds displaying images of words they scream in my ears begging to come out,
Writing writing but never as fast as I need,
Another lingering sentence every time I read,
It could go on forever - it might just never stop,
Cannot get it all on paper, thought after thought after thought,
A soon as I think I am done the fairies of thesaurus have another word dying to be used,
It's like their wonderful sounds are lonely, dying, neglected,
The more I get out the less I am confused,
Struggle struggle struggle the words come out more than once,
Its not a stammer its a poetic touch,
Hoping pleading praying that you get the hunch,
a hunger a thirst a need fro resolution
Someone say " I get it" and end an artist own confusion
Scramble for a pen search the pockets in my coat,
My minds displaying images of words they scream in my ears begging to come out,
Writing writing but never as fast as I need,
Another lingering sentence every time I read,
It could go on forever - it might just never stop,
Cannot get it all on paper, thought after thought after thought,
A soon as I think I am done the fairies of thesaurus have another word dying to be used,
It's like their wonderful sounds are lonely, dying, neglected,
The more I get out the less I am confused,
Struggle struggle struggle the words come out more than once,
Its not a stammer its a poetic touch,
Hoping pleading praying that you get the hunch,
a hunger a thirst a need fro resolution
Someone say " I get it" and end an artist own confusion
Yes its true , I want to be loved, to be educated , to be touched
A caress that lasts through the night...
When I cry out and when I cry out - Yes the congregation mourns
When I cry out, When I cry out with truth and I am set free, The congregation they pity me,
Yes! Yes! I want to dance I want to lose control - I want to be trapped and just scream my way out...
But when I cry out when I bring it to the cross - The CONGREGATION mourns what a pity I am lost,
YES, YES! I want to live I want to swim the ocean I want to breath it in I want to swim naked at midnight I want to sin....
Yes I cry out I am honest I go ahead and walk again through the door, Gonna lay it down because blessed are the poor,
But when I cry out when I cry out the congregation turns their head, Due to sin she is dead....
I scream I scream is it wrong to feel the rain to chase the breeze to feel the pain....
AM I WRONG?
A caress that lasts through the night...
When I cry out and when I cry out - Yes the congregation mourns
When I cry out, When I cry out with truth and I am set free, The congregation they pity me,
Yes! Yes! I want to dance I want to lose control - I want to be trapped and just scream my way out...
But when I cry out when I bring it to the cross - The CONGREGATION mourns what a pity I am lost,
YES, YES! I want to live I want to swim the ocean I want to breath it in I want to swim naked at midnight I want to sin....
Yes I cry out I am honest I go ahead and walk again through the door, Gonna lay it down because blessed are the poor,
But when I cry out when I cry out the congregation turns their head, Due to sin she is dead....
I scream I scream is it wrong to feel the rain to chase the breeze to feel the pain....
AM I WRONG?
If she had known the promise she made,
If she had known before upon the bed she laid,
If she had known
If she had known would she have done it different ?
Probably not,
She would have tested her control but never stopped,
If she had known the scars that she would carry,
If she had known the dreams she would bury,
Would she have stopped?
Probably not,
Would have trained her foresight practiced control,
There nothing you could tell her nothing she thought she didn't know,
If she had known.....
If she had known before upon the bed she laid,
If she had known
If she had known would she have done it different ?
Probably not,
She would have tested her control but never stopped,
If she had known the scars that she would carry,
If she had known the dreams she would bury,
Would she have stopped?
Probably not,
Would have trained her foresight practiced control,
There nothing you could tell her nothing she thought she didn't know,
If she had known.....
In me is passion dying to be free,
I see the image of the options that stand before me,
Small men laughing dancing around,
Like Rumplestilskin pleading for me to fail and fall down,
Dancing around a fire ,
As I look I feel the heat and the flames get higher,
Just a dance just a taste,
Why I hear the pleading don't do things in haste,
The pain will reside,
Sweetheart from some things you cant hide,
I turn to softer plea its a voice of true love for me,
Why the struggle when the answers so clear,
Why to the fire do I step near?
The pain will only increase ,
To one side I will burn,
The other I will not even smell of smoke,
Yet there's a pull and I feel weak and begin to choke,
Its overwhelming the fight I feel,
Oh just know he is God child and be still,
Simple words become so hard,
Simple words have I wandered too far ?
I see the image of the options that stand before me,
Small men laughing dancing around,
Like Rumplestilskin pleading for me to fail and fall down,
Dancing around a fire ,
As I look I feel the heat and the flames get higher,
Just a dance just a taste,
Why I hear the pleading don't do things in haste,
The pain will reside,
Sweetheart from some things you cant hide,
I turn to softer plea its a voice of true love for me,
Why the struggle when the answers so clear,
Why to the fire do I step near?
The pain will only increase ,
To one side I will burn,
The other I will not even smell of smoke,
Yet there's a pull and I feel weak and begin to choke,
Its overwhelming the fight I feel,
Oh just know he is God child and be still,
Simple words become so hard,
Simple words have I wandered too far ?
A man who loves me a man who passionately pursues,
I divided my heart I followed a man in a dark coat,
I allowed myself to be misused,
He cries out in this unrequited love,
Beloved ...Beloved...Prodigal, come home,
He ascends in spirit with grace like a dove,
I run a faster pace,
Why why show me mercy why show me grace?
A heart divided a heart that cant be true,
Father, Abba daddy I hide,
But before it was done you knew,
Fill this cup, Fill this place
Cleanse me, wash me
Wipe this dirty face,
A woman a harlot a heart divided a soul torn
Yet you knew my purpose before I was born,
You set the path before me and you made it so straight,
You wrote my name in blood in the books at heavens gate,
blessed blessed be your name,
Fine tune the parts that still remain..............
I divided my heart I followed a man in a dark coat,
I allowed myself to be misused,
He cries out in this unrequited love,
Beloved ...Beloved...Prodigal, come home,
He ascends in spirit with grace like a dove,
I run a faster pace,
Why why show me mercy why show me grace?
A heart divided a heart that cant be true,
Father, Abba daddy I hide,
But before it was done you knew,
Fill this cup, Fill this place
Cleanse me, wash me
Wipe this dirty face,
A woman a harlot a heart divided a soul torn
Yet you knew my purpose before I was born,
You set the path before me and you made it so straight,
You wrote my name in blood in the books at heavens gate,
blessed blessed be your name,
Fine tune the parts that still remain..............
Jesus come on in,
Wash me in your blood forgive me of my sin,
Fill my heart and make it whole,
Die on the cross and save my soul,
I never even asked for the price you paid ,
But oh Jesus, Jesus I brought it to the cross and at your feet it lay,
You let my dirty face shine and made me new,
Jesus oh Lord I give my life to you
Wash me in your blood forgive me of my sin,
Fill my heart and make it whole,
Die on the cross and save my soul,
I never even asked for the price you paid ,
But oh Jesus, Jesus I brought it to the cross and at your feet it lay,
You let my dirty face shine and made me new,
Jesus oh Lord I give my life to you
There is no penicillin for this burn
No band aid to stop the bleed
No peroxide to wash away the germs that spread from you to me
Its love and I caught the bitter end
Its love or something that's not my friend
Its ache in my heart and lust or desire
The burn is an all consuming fire
Its not an infection that you can cease the spread
It wont kill you but I feel dead
Its a crush its unrequited its love it whatever you prefer
But wants the heart is involved its a kick with the boot and a stab with the spur
You may feel crazy but no Froyd talking smile will save you from the pain
Its called promises and dreams down the drain
A bitter sour bite
Yet you still hope there's a ringing on the phone tonight
Something sweet in the hope
Something painful in the fall and no valium to cope
Its something sucking out life and yet your not dead
For the broken hearts there are no meds
I AM
No band aid to stop the bleed
No peroxide to wash away the germs that spread from you to me
Its love and I caught the bitter end
Its love or something that's not my friend
Its ache in my heart and lust or desire
The burn is an all consuming fire
Its not an infection that you can cease the spread
It wont kill you but I feel dead
Its a crush its unrequited its love it whatever you prefer
But wants the heart is involved its a kick with the boot and a stab with the spur
You may feel crazy but no Froyd talking smile will save you from the pain
Its called promises and dreams down the drain
A bitter sour bite
Yet you still hope there's a ringing on the phone tonight
Something sweet in the hope
Something painful in the fall and no valium to cope
Its something sucking out life and yet your not dead
For the broken hearts there are no meds
I AM
I am what you said in so many ways
I am not however in being that holy
I am not what you say but I did what I did
We are not equal ?
You taste of my flesh and leave me to lie and lay and alone
You leave
I work on lives not my own I raise children
I lay and deny to be not what you say
I am not that inside only in what I have done
I came undone clothes undone bows and ties unwrapped
They fell to the floor
They dropped to be no more
And you call me out you judge by your past
Its not my scar its not me
You left me to lie and lay and alone
You judge by your past
I was not there it was not me
I thought I was doing what was kind
The sin I was in had me blind
Can you though identify yourself thinking you have me nailed
Well hammer in your hand can you peg this one too?
In the mirror given a chance can you identify you?
You left me to lie to myself
You left me to lay as you went on to others
You left me alone cold ashamed and naked
Not of cloth and silk but of morals naked from the ones I used to wear
A cloak of righteousness
It fell next to the other things that fall away when I am with you
So you say I am this thing you called me but given a glimpse with the mud on your own face
Could you call yourself out
Could you hammer in that nail?
I am not however in being that holy
I am not what you say but I did what I did
We are not equal ?
You taste of my flesh and leave me to lie and lay and alone
You leave
I work on lives not my own I raise children
I lay and deny to be not what you say
I am not that inside only in what I have done
I came undone clothes undone bows and ties unwrapped
They fell to the floor
They dropped to be no more
And you call me out you judge by your past
Its not my scar its not me
You left me to lie and lay and alone
You judge by your past
I was not there it was not me
I thought I was doing what was kind
The sin I was in had me blind
Can you though identify yourself thinking you have me nailed
Well hammer in your hand can you peg this one too?
In the mirror given a chance can you identify you?
You left me to lie to myself
You left me to lay as you went on to others
You left me alone cold ashamed and naked
Not of cloth and silk but of morals naked from the ones I used to wear
A cloak of righteousness
It fell next to the other things that fall away when I am with you
So you say I am this thing you called me but given a glimpse with the mud on your own face
Could you call yourself out
Could you hammer in that nail?
I am sure it was not my blood that was shed,
I know I have not risen from the dead -
Yet you keep on keep on keep on calling me to save you,
I do not have my name carved in stone,
No statues of me standing alone -
Yet you keep on keep on keep on begging me to make a change in you,
But I I struggle and I I stumble and I I cant even fix myself
And I I cry and I I try hard too
Buts its so hard to
You make me die to
Love you
Just to love you
I know I have not risen from the dead -
Yet you keep on keep on keep on calling me to save you,
I do not have my name carved in stone,
No statues of me standing alone -
Yet you keep on keep on keep on begging me to make a change in you,
But I I struggle and I I stumble and I I cant even fix myself
And I I cry and I I try hard too
Buts its so hard to
You make me die to
Love you
Just to love you
You wouldn't get there given a map
You say your eyes are open but your blind
The songs play of mellow drama sap
You say we are all the same
There was one you gave your heart away
Its not original
The games we all play
Its not the first
So many have been burned by this disease called love
Not original
You wouldn't get there given a shove
Your youth overwhelms your sight
your heartache surpasses your age
Maybe what happened was not right
You are not a tragic hero
Too young to understand
To dense
I cannot give you hand
I cannot help you out
My homework was done and turned in before you even began
Too young
You couldn't get it
You may never understand
Too young
You say your eyes are open but your blind
The songs play of mellow drama sap
You say we are all the same
There was one you gave your heart away
Its not original
The games we all play
Its not the first
So many have been burned by this disease called love
Not original
You wouldn't get there given a shove
Your youth overwhelms your sight
your heartache surpasses your age
Maybe what happened was not right
You are not a tragic hero
Too young to understand
To dense
I cannot give you hand
I cannot help you out
My homework was done and turned in before you even began
Too young
You couldn't get it
You may never understand
Too young
Possibly I sabotage myself calling it the greater good
For certain I harm myself
Possibly I tell stories with great dramatics to avoid feeling the real and raw truth
For certain my own view has become blurred
Possibly I claim to love because I feel
For certain I quit often consumed with emotions undefinable
Possibly I blame much on him whomever he may be Lord God ex of mr right now
For certain I have been burned by my own choices
Possibly the words that tangle in my mouth I call art
For certain they are the thoughts that choke me at my neck
Possibly I have done full circle because it normal to regress at trauma
For certain I have defiled my own name
For certain I harm myself
Possibly I tell stories with great dramatics to avoid feeling the real and raw truth
For certain my own view has become blurred
Possibly I claim to love because I feel
For certain I quit often consumed with emotions undefinable
Possibly I blame much on him whomever he may be Lord God ex of mr right now
For certain I have been burned by my own choices
Possibly the words that tangle in my mouth I call art
For certain they are the thoughts that choke me at my neck
Possibly I have done full circle because it normal to regress at trauma
For certain I have defiled my own name
There it is again just like the dog chasing his tail,
Just like a wart on a witches nose,
there it is again,
I got that phone call this morning and I heard your voice,
everything telling me I want to move forward,
I know its coming and yes I know its coming,
Oh yes there it is again,
There it is again,
look what I have done to you its my fault
what you've become,
look what I've done
look what I've done
and there it is again
You always take everything and leave me the blame,
You take it all and its all the same
you're always taking and never give
But you leave the blame and its my fault my fault that you cant live
Just like a wart on a witches nose,
there it is again,
I got that phone call this morning and I heard your voice,
everything telling me I want to move forward,
I know its coming and yes I know its coming,
Oh yes there it is again,
There it is again,
look what I have done to you its my fault
what you've become,
look what I've done
look what I've done
and there it is again
You always take everything and leave me the blame,
You take it all and its all the same
you're always taking and never give
But you leave the blame and its my fault my fault that you cant live
The red heart pounds against the brown brittle rope ,
It burns and the beat intensifies the relentless lock down of the ties,
That's you and I,
Untie me, untie my heart,
The beats are for life and you have captured it,
They leave marks like the burn of your touch its scarring me,
My soul my life untie my heart,
Say it,
Say you love me or loosen the ties,
I beg I plead I will do anything to quit the bleed,
Its slow it drains my life,
I wait I wait up on you ,
I lose I lose sleep I just lose,
Untie me! Untie my heart,
Let the rope burns heal, let me beat, Calm and still,
The fast pace pounding just from the joy of your appearance,
Its counteracting, untie me
If I could not sleep I know you'd sing a lullaby
If there was an itch I could not scratch I know you'd try to reach
But what if I was choking on the ashes of the flames from my sin
Where would you be then? Where would you be then?
Calling out to Jesus but dialing you on the phone
Crying out God but inviting you home
But if I was choking on the ashes consuming me of self indulgent sin,
Where would you be then? Where would you be then?
And I know its a long road to repentance
and I know its longer alone
But When the night falls, I pray to God I pray to God
Don't let me pick up that phone
Bed is cold and lonely, Sheets are clean, singing songs of heartache
Trying to live like the redeemed
and I know and I know and I know
You would come
You would come
If I could not sleep you'd sing a lullaby
If there was an itch I could not scratch you'd try to reach
But when I'm drowning in my sin
Where are you, where are you then?
No conversation that's to deep
No commitment I'm too cheap
Waiving my fists but the chains wont break
If I could not sleep I know you'd sing a lullaby
If there was an itch I couldn't scratch I know you'd try to reach
but what if I was choking on the ashes of the flames from my sin
Where would you be then? Where would you be then?
Calling out to Jesus but dialing you on the phone
Crying out to God but inviting you home
But what if I was choking on the ashes of this all consuming sin,
Where would you be then? Where would you be then?
It burns and the beat intensifies the relentless lock down of the ties,
That's you and I,
Untie me, untie my heart,
The beats are for life and you have captured it,
They leave marks like the burn of your touch its scarring me,
My soul my life untie my heart,
Say it,
Say you love me or loosen the ties,
I beg I plead I will do anything to quit the bleed,
Its slow it drains my life,
I wait I wait up on you ,
I lose I lose sleep I just lose,
Untie me! Untie my heart,
Let the rope burns heal, let me beat, Calm and still,
The fast pace pounding just from the joy of your appearance,
Its counteracting, untie me
Sometimes its as if you cant hear
That would be a benefit of the doubt Father ha Its just a term so plainly used used up spent dry Here I go rambling on Not as if it matters you never hear a word Everything I say embellished? or absurd? Whatever your choice may be whatever denial you may plea We know I know Some do but wont say Its the bed you made now you have to lay Resentful no Perturb I suppose Who really is to say I imply your deaf when you hear not what I say The other choices somehow rude possibly cursing the giver of my seed ha huh funny you see So I just ramble in your company Sometimes I have been known to shout Its incase your deaf I do not want you left out The louder I scream though the less you talk The louder I holler the farther you walk Should we stop here and admit it all Should we go ahead and say you hear it all But your ill Maybe this is the source Whatever the codependent story I am to lonely refer to when others cannot understand your lack of comprehension Dare we say should now imply You are just that sort of guy Do we not hide the skeletons in closet Do we open that door? Do we tell them my father is a w...Hold on no we will not It is not the way 3 sisters all older yet one is a half you say? Oh yes isn't it funny? How does that work Well daddy had money Its so hard you know to say no these days Boys will be boys Those games they play its a never ending twist and turn hiding evidence under rocks Keeping closets shut with locks Yes Father have it your way will keep your secrets another day In My Mind
Today I could smell your skin on mine
I soaked it all in and breathed again Today it ached deep inside I wanted you back Back in me back where you used to be I could see your face Like I could reach out and touch you I yelled but no repore between us Its hard to make the imaginary reveal there secrets Its harder to get them to acknowledge your existence Yet I tasted you in my mouth It watered and dripped Like staring at a pickle jar My tongue swoll Thick and heavy it laid in my mouth I smelled you I watched you walk away’ And return, because as it plays out Yes in my head how it plays out You returned against my plea You caught me You knew when I said no I meant yes You did not retreat you did not let go I saw you I hung on to stench of some overpriced cologne for teenagers that you think is so cool And you smiled as I laughed because we were secure in one another She stared at you as each breath made her chest larger and you looked at me I knew you were mine I tasted you As you circled the room the kiss left moisture on my lips I laughed at your silly jokes you told You see in my mind we are happy and you are not gone It plays out different though its wrong I am Don Quixote in my own right I suppose Sometimes some times its hard to let go |
If I could not sleep I know you'd sing a lullaby
If there was an itch I could not scratch I know you'd try to reach
But what if I was choking on the ashes of the flames from my sin
Where would you be then? Where would you be then?
Calling out to Jesus but dialing you on the phone
Crying out God but inviting you home
But if I was choking on the ashes consuming me of self indulgent sin,
Where would you be then? Where would you be then?
And I know its a long road to repentance
and I know its longer alone
But When the night falls, I pray to God I pray to God
Don't let me pick up that phone
Bed is cold and lonely, Sheets are clean, singing songs of heartache
Trying to live like the redeemed
and I know and I know and I know
You would come
You would come
If I could not sleep you'd sing a lullaby
If there was an itch I could not scratch you'd try to reach
But when I'm drowning in my sin
Where are you, where are you then?
No conversation that's to deep
No commitment I'm too cheap
Waiving my fists but the chains wont break
If I could not sleep I know you'd sing a lullaby
If there was an itch I couldn't scratch I know you'd try to reach
but what if I was choking on the ashes of the flames from my sin
Where would you be then? Where would you be then?
Calling out to Jesus but dialing you on the phone
Crying out to God but inviting you home
But what if I was choking on the ashes of this all consuming sin,
Where would you be then? Where would you be then?
Jesus I cried out to you today but I didn't go to heaven it just echoed through a hollow grave
Jesus I screamed out to you today because I heard you save
But I wasn't at the cross or even on my knees
I cried at the rock begging for ease
Where's is that yoke where's the burden not so hard to bare
I cried out at the grave and you were not there
There was a time I was sure you had risen a time I would have called out to heavens gates
Not sure what happen in my soul not sure
But Jesus please make this evil go
Jesus I screamed out to you today because I heard you save
But I wasn't at the cross or even on my knees
I cried at the rock begging for ease
Where's is that yoke where's the burden not so hard to bare
I cried out at the grave and you were not there
There was a time I was sure you had risen a time I would have called out to heavens gates
Not sure what happen in my soul not sure
But Jesus please make this evil go
Here he comes, Here he comes
He wants to take control go deep inside me
and consume my soul
Here he comes, Here he comes
Lost in this world
Deep and thick
Lost in this world cannot stand this shit
Lost Lost
My perception my experience
You will not rob my independence
Will not be lured by emotional manipulation
To please your mental masturbation
Here he comes
Deep Lost Thick Control
This is not love
LET GO
He wants to take control go deep inside me
and consume my soul
Here he comes, Here he comes
Lost in this world
Deep and thick
Lost in this world cannot stand this shit
Lost Lost
My perception my experience
You will not rob my independence
Will not be lured by emotional manipulation
To please your mental masturbation
Here he comes
Deep Lost Thick Control
This is not love
LET GO
Pull me closer
Pause - rest at my eyes
again, again
The music the rain
The intensity the beat the their rhythm all the same,
in sequence
Moving together
Pull me closer I'm slipping back
again, again
My head tilts, my back arches
Rest - in my eyes
again, again
Pause - rest at my eyes
again, again
The music the rain
The intensity the beat the their rhythm all the same,
in sequence
Moving together
Pull me closer I'm slipping back
again, again
My head tilts, my back arches
Rest - in my eyes
again, again
The beat ,
DA DA, DA DA
My hips,
CIRCLE, swish.... Circle , swish
My mouth
Half open, available
My Gaze far away inside myself,
The dance
My moves
The beat
DADA-DADA
DA DA, DA DA
My hips,
CIRCLE, swish.... Circle , swish
My mouth
Half open, available
My Gaze far away inside myself,
The dance
My moves
The beat
DADA-DADA
I forget as she sits,
I forget there's a tiny lump so small unseen,
Wanting to eat her inside out,
I forget as she smiles and laughs,
The beast that wants to take her womanly ownership away,
I forget because her beauty takes my memory away,
C-A-N-C-E-R it eats as we laugh,
Cancer I forget
So brave so happy she sits
WOMAN HAVE GONE THIS PATH BEFORE
SCARLETT LETTERS, BLOODY HANDS AND A RIDE APON A BEAST
IS IT AMBITION PRIDE OR LONLINESS
THAT EGNITES THESE SOULESS FEASTS
I LIED THE LIE AND LET HIM LAY
I TOO LIED THE LIE AND LET HIM STAY
I CRIED OUT GOD BUT THE ECHO REMAINED HOLLOW
I CRIED OUT WHY
THEN I HEARD CHILD IT WASNT ME YOU FOLLOWED
THE LETTER SCORCHES MY SKIN THROUGH CLOTH
MY HANDS MY HANDS THEY JUST WONT WASH
THEN THE THOUGHT THE AWARENESS OF THE TRUTH
I LIED THE LIE I LET HIM STAY
LIED THE LIE LET HIM LAY
LIED AND LIED GAVE MYSELF AWAY
I forget there's a tiny lump so small unseen,
Wanting to eat her inside out,
I forget as she smiles and laughs,
The beast that wants to take her womanly ownership away,
I forget because her beauty takes my memory away,
C-A-N-C-E-R it eats as we laugh,
Cancer I forget
So brave so happy she sits
He abused me but he always was at every important event,
Locked up... He knew I wasn't crazy because the secret he kept, Greedy but gave me too much, My Father scarred me with a touch, Always there to listen unless its about the secret, Always calling always there, Control, locked away, The secret the game we played, He is smart but sneaky, Kind but deceitful, Fun but vulgar, And I, Yes I ran to a man just the same, My legacy has me to blame, So common so alike, Both hurting cutting me without the need of a knife, Yet like heroin to my veins I ask for more, Just say you love me , Then Then I can be the open door, The small faces that look up in dismay, The small faces will there pain go away Can I ever explain my ignorance my innocence and the way I just didn't know, My past is now there's and will they ever let it go. My father, and there's too Alike and different but bring the same pain, alike but different Father..... |
WOMAN HAVE GONE THIS PATH BEFORE
SCARLETT LETTERS, BLOODY HANDS AND A RIDE APON A BEAST
IS IT AMBITION PRIDE OR LONLINESS
THAT EGNITES THESE SOULESS FEASTS
I LIED THE LIE AND LET HIM LAY
I TOO LIED THE LIE AND LET HIM STAY
I CRIED OUT GOD BUT THE ECHO REMAINED HOLLOW
I CRIED OUT WHY
THEN I HEARD CHILD IT WASNT ME YOU FOLLOWED
THE LETTER SCORCHES MY SKIN THROUGH CLOTH
MY HANDS MY HANDS THEY JUST WONT WASH
THEN THE THOUGHT THE AWARENESS OF THE TRUTH
I LIED THE LIE I LET HIM STAY
LIED THE LIE LET HIM LAY
LIED AND LIED GAVE MYSELF AWAY
Gallop gallop the sound of the horse
Sweet beloved the gentle words of a princes voice
Hold you forever love you like the one
Mary me forever
or until I have had my fun
Truly where does he live?
Prince charming from the tale
Is just an empty resume
Or is it I who fails
Trembling at his words excited by his promise.......... forever
The words fell from his mouth and lingered in my ears
Tickled me sweetly and took away the fears
The words fly away in the wind
The words are not what make him
I can tell you where my prince resides
On a cross he died
Beat hell and the Devil too
Took my sins and cries Beloved I paid for you
He took action and spoke Truth
That's my prince Charming that's the fairy-tail
That's the forever and in it I dwell
Sweet beloved the gentle words of a princes voice
Hold you forever love you like the one
Mary me forever
or until I have had my fun
Truly where does he live?
Prince charming from the tale
Is just an empty resume
Or is it I who fails
Trembling at his words excited by his promise.......... forever
The words fell from his mouth and lingered in my ears
Tickled me sweetly and took away the fears
The words fly away in the wind
The words are not what make him
I can tell you where my prince resides
On a cross he died
Beat hell and the Devil too
Took my sins and cries Beloved I paid for you
He took action and spoke Truth
That's my prince Charming that's the fairy-tail
That's the forever and in it I dwell
I will never be pretty enough, I will never be skinny enough to cease the war which wages within me,
Alas, though there is a prince,
A prince of peace and at HIS very words storms cease,
Jesus Jesus I call your name, I cried in mourning
and with Joy you came,
Of myself nothing was right I was lost I blind,
You my Lord gave me sight,
Thank you as I sit at your feet,
I rest in you and feel complete,
Thank you Thank you for your mercy and grace,
These things gave me peace and I left my dark place
Alas, though there is a prince,
A prince of peace and at HIS very words storms cease,
Jesus Jesus I call your name, I cried in mourning
and with Joy you came,
Of myself nothing was right I was lost I blind,
You my Lord gave me sight,
Thank you as I sit at your feet,
I rest in you and feel complete,
Thank you Thank you for your mercy and grace,
These things gave me peace and I left my dark place
If I was drowning and you may never see me again my last breaths were upon me, your hand touched my shoulder your and it could be your last touch ....could you let go?
Its your hand that holds me under - the doubt that I can swim - its your sweet words that make me wonder...
Could you? will you? dare you let go?
Tossing, fighting, praying just to get passed the weight so I can swim, Its your gentle touch Let go let me be free again......
You mean no harm. Naïve to the facts. YOUR longing left but my heart still reacts....
I do not wish to ask but do you think you could ?I know you want to linger BUT remove your hand if you would!
To think sweet words kind gestures and warm hello could keep me from swimming and drown me below ?
Its just the weight of your words maybe not even your hand,
to say forever and then to say just friend....
Darkness
Short Story
Its your hand that holds me under - the doubt that I can swim - its your sweet words that make me wonder...
Could you? will you? dare you let go?
Tossing, fighting, praying just to get passed the weight so I can swim, Its your gentle touch Let go let me be free again......
You mean no harm. Naïve to the facts. YOUR longing left but my heart still reacts....
I do not wish to ask but do you think you could ?I know you want to linger BUT remove your hand if you would!
To think sweet words kind gestures and warm hello could keep me from swimming and drown me below ?
Its just the weight of your words maybe not even your hand,
to say forever and then to say just friend....
Darkness
I hear your soft whisper calling my name,
A sensuous pull,
To answer I would be just another soldier slain,
You see from your lips your whispers have called others before,
Women like me left feeling used and lay dying by a double edged sword,
You beckon me into my own darkness where not even a shadow may reside,
You show me all the desires longed by my flesh and you promise smoothness in the ride,
I am aware you are a liar and unauthentic in your ways,
See you take my beliefs and twist my saviors Grace,
Forgiveness comes, yes, and my repentance is real,
So in this new life this newness my salvation I will not let you steal,
Satan, Lucifer, Whatever darkness should be called,
I will not hide in the corner I will not live in contempt,
My role is to let my light shine into your dark dark lies,
I will expose the truth and answer to the lost ones cries,
Get behind thee, get behind thee, get behind thee now,
Yes loneliness is real but to you prince of darkness I will not bow,
I praise God and thank you that mercy is new and each day it abounds,
Bondage gone and though I trip and stumble I will not stay down,
The bright light warms my even tempered skin,
In comes the light of the world and out goes sin......
A sensuous pull,
To answer I would be just another soldier slain,
You see from your lips your whispers have called others before,
Women like me left feeling used and lay dying by a double edged sword,
You beckon me into my own darkness where not even a shadow may reside,
You show me all the desires longed by my flesh and you promise smoothness in the ride,
I am aware you are a liar and unauthentic in your ways,
See you take my beliefs and twist my saviors Grace,
Forgiveness comes, yes, and my repentance is real,
So in this new life this newness my salvation I will not let you steal,
Satan, Lucifer, Whatever darkness should be called,
I will not hide in the corner I will not live in contempt,
My role is to let my light shine into your dark dark lies,
I will expose the truth and answer to the lost ones cries,
Get behind thee, get behind thee, get behind thee now,
Yes loneliness is real but to you prince of darkness I will not bow,
I praise God and thank you that mercy is new and each day it abounds,
Bondage gone and though I trip and stumble I will not stay down,
The bright light warms my even tempered skin,
In comes the light of the world and out goes sin......
Sold my soul for seven dollars,
Sold my soul to the man at the door,
Seven dollars to be your whore,
Sold my soul for seven dollars,
Sold my soul to pass some time,
Sold my soul to bump and grind,
Pulling to left, pulling to right,
Sensuously dancing in the dark of night,
Sold my soul for seven dollars
Road Ahead
The scales are not even one is always higher,
but if you would remove me from the clutch of your selfish desire.....
I am kind I am sweet I am beautiful to see,
But why hold on if what you want is not even me?
Thank you I can float and the air is returning,
my heart will mend and soon will leave the yearning,
We both walk away and do not look back ,
the road ahead
the road ahead
is where I must be traveling at...
my prayer for today
There was a time I danced I sang and smiled to greet the morning sun,
Blessed to take another breathe,
Oh Lord Oh Lord to long I cried why me how could you,
And now so far out to see I struggle with the strokes and rhythm to breath ,
The tired arms that will get me back to shore! Dear Lord
I need the life saver and still I need you to bless me with the sense to even grab hold,
Life in the balance and still I would struggle with the wisdom to grab hold,
Lord draw me closer hold me near,
Before this tangled tangled thing I have sown becomes a knot I cannot untie
Dear Lord bless me with wisdom
I fall so short on insight,
I lack good judgment at times when the answer is so clear,
I chase rainbows knowing that there is no pot of gold,
Bring me back home. I want live laugh and love celebrate cry and dance but I want it to all be in your honor and today I lack please Lord reign me in pull me back
another round
The bitter taste left in my mouth
don't think its just last nights whiskey
but baby maybe its our love gone south
My heart how will it be ?
How can I let it?
How will this heart be free how will this heart be free
Cigarettes and smoky bars
Double shots of whiskey and my broken broken heart
Dancing with him and I am crying your name
Another round on me
My heart My heart how will it be
How can I let it
This broken heart how will it ever be free
Closing my eyes , just to remember the times we had in Mexico
They are now just faded memories
Light another cigarette hand on the bottle
Another round on me
My broken heart how can it be
This aching heart how will it ever be free
Let it go, Let it go, Let go the whiskey and me
Let it go, Let it go, Let it go
Cause baby its another round on me
How can it be broken hearts, smoky bars Mexico and faded memories
Oh oh oh its just another round on me....
The music Lied
I hated that I waited I hated that I cried
But it was the music the dance
The lyrics lied
I was in a trance
I always say no
But that night I soul my soul
I told the devil just one night Give me just one night
By tomorrow its forever - forever by my side
Too easy too easy when you smiled
Too easy I just went wild
So much I cant take back
choices in my life I made
But that night I let it go
I hate that I wait
I hate that I cry
That Night I sold my soul
Told the Devil lets roll
I got this by tomorrow its forever
forever by my side
But it was the music it was the dance
The lyrics lied
I was in a trance
Always say no
But that night for a guitar and a smile I sold my soul
took
That thing that used to be ,
That soul that heart that me,
Its gone, It left or I gave it away,
Buried it between the sheets that day,
cant undo what I have gone and done,
its like a chain I carry each link fused by bitterness,
Each awful taste the memory of your kiss,
See you took and took and took,
No regret no second look,
Now drag drag clink clang,
That's the sound of my dragging chain,
Its not like I could scream and you would understand,
You would not get it you're a man,
But you see as a young girl I dreamed to be loved,
You took you took ,
A robber not really I gave it away,
Don't deny you knew the words I thought you'd say,
You never did and never will
That empty space is where whatever it was you killed
Woman
I know every word they say is all the same,
I hear it through and through,
Every now and again I stop I pause I pretend what they say is true,
the blame oh it lands square on me,
The slander the shame the big letter A,
I am woman hear me roar fall into your trap and I am the whore,
There's no settlement no coming out even,
Its not the same,
Woman hang your head in shame,
What Daddy did we may unknowingly advocate,
As we use you dry and poke at your heartache,
But you YOU GAVE IN IN,
Its you Woman its your sin
Carry it while we whisper,
Joke at your own expense while we laugh,
You are worth nothing more
But cash it out we will call you whore
Sold my soul to the man at the door,
Seven dollars to be your whore,
Sold my soul for seven dollars,
Sold my soul to pass some time,
Sold my soul to bump and grind,
Pulling to left, pulling to right,
Sensuously dancing in the dark of night,
Sold my soul for seven dollars
Road Ahead
The scales are not even one is always higher,
but if you would remove me from the clutch of your selfish desire.....
I am kind I am sweet I am beautiful to see,
But why hold on if what you want is not even me?
Thank you I can float and the air is returning,
my heart will mend and soon will leave the yearning,
We both walk away and do not look back ,
the road ahead
the road ahead
is where I must be traveling at...
my prayer for today
There was a time I danced I sang and smiled to greet the morning sun,
Blessed to take another breathe,
Oh Lord Oh Lord to long I cried why me how could you,
And now so far out to see I struggle with the strokes and rhythm to breath ,
The tired arms that will get me back to shore! Dear Lord
I need the life saver and still I need you to bless me with the sense to even grab hold,
Life in the balance and still I would struggle with the wisdom to grab hold,
Lord draw me closer hold me near,
Before this tangled tangled thing I have sown becomes a knot I cannot untie
Dear Lord bless me with wisdom
I fall so short on insight,
I lack good judgment at times when the answer is so clear,
I chase rainbows knowing that there is no pot of gold,
Bring me back home. I want live laugh and love celebrate cry and dance but I want it to all be in your honor and today I lack please Lord reign me in pull me back
another round
The bitter taste left in my mouth
don't think its just last nights whiskey
but baby maybe its our love gone south
My heart how will it be ?
How can I let it?
How will this heart be free how will this heart be free
Cigarettes and smoky bars
Double shots of whiskey and my broken broken heart
Dancing with him and I am crying your name
Another round on me
My heart My heart how will it be
How can I let it
This broken heart how will it ever be free
Closing my eyes , just to remember the times we had in Mexico
They are now just faded memories
Light another cigarette hand on the bottle
Another round on me
My broken heart how can it be
This aching heart how will it ever be free
Let it go, Let it go, Let go the whiskey and me
Let it go, Let it go, Let it go
Cause baby its another round on me
How can it be broken hearts, smoky bars Mexico and faded memories
Oh oh oh its just another round on me....
The music Lied
I hated that I waited I hated that I cried
But it was the music the dance
The lyrics lied
I was in a trance
I always say no
But that night I soul my soul
I told the devil just one night Give me just one night
By tomorrow its forever - forever by my side
Too easy too easy when you smiled
Too easy I just went wild
So much I cant take back
choices in my life I made
But that night I let it go
I hate that I wait
I hate that I cry
That Night I sold my soul
Told the Devil lets roll
I got this by tomorrow its forever
forever by my side
But it was the music it was the dance
The lyrics lied
I was in a trance
Always say no
But that night for a guitar and a smile I sold my soul
took
That thing that used to be ,
That soul that heart that me,
Its gone, It left or I gave it away,
Buried it between the sheets that day,
cant undo what I have gone and done,
its like a chain I carry each link fused by bitterness,
Each awful taste the memory of your kiss,
See you took and took and took,
No regret no second look,
Now drag drag clink clang,
That's the sound of my dragging chain,
Its not like I could scream and you would understand,
You would not get it you're a man,
But you see as a young girl I dreamed to be loved,
You took you took ,
A robber not really I gave it away,
Don't deny you knew the words I thought you'd say,
You never did and never will
That empty space is where whatever it was you killed
Woman
I know every word they say is all the same,
I hear it through and through,
Every now and again I stop I pause I pretend what they say is true,
the blame oh it lands square on me,
The slander the shame the big letter A,
I am woman hear me roar fall into your trap and I am the whore,
There's no settlement no coming out even,
Its not the same,
Woman hang your head in shame,
What Daddy did we may unknowingly advocate,
As we use you dry and poke at your heartache,
But you YOU GAVE IN IN,
Its you Woman its your sin
Carry it while we whisper,
Joke at your own expense while we laugh,
You are worth nothing more
But cash it out we will call you whore
Short Story
There she stood knowing what she was attempting. She had just taken the picture down and turned his view away placing Him facing the wall. Between the bed and the pantry. Possibly the obscured view would keep Him from seeing the sprouting of her loneliness and save her from the mouse.
Being that the children were upstairs and desiring their complete safety she knew though she hid His sight he must hear there needs.. Yes It must be that way she thought to comfort herself. So many days she stared into His face desiring nothing more than the deepest connection. There had been a break. A cord in her a cord of desire pulled so hard it snapped. Now possibly from shame , lost faith or whatever heartache she suffered she had placed Him away. Yes, to look away is how she positioned Him. Truly knowing she had no such control over the eyes that always saw her. But she would maintain this fairy tail to subside her worries.
There was a new companion. As she cleaned the house, lovingly , lonely and quietly with just a hint of bitterness but it was growing gradually this new companion came to visit. He was just a man but sometimes she saw this new man in a cartoonish way. Slightly hunched, colored red, Horns, pitchfork. Laughable though. It was her imagination of course. This companion made things seem a way they never had before. The shame was not so bad to bear since the face had been turned away and the new friend made so many statements in jest she laughed at what was once offensive on the behalf of another.
Maybe it was an affair. Her heart wanting the man who she had turned away, and embracing the light heartedness of this newcomer into her home. When he came around though it oddly seemed that no matter how much she picked up the room always found more clutter nothing ever felt or looked clean like it had with Him. The new man she had decided if she could give him a name it would be foolish sin. That's the embrace he gave her like the lustful youth of childhood. Something once she thought she had let go. Here he was though and every night since the picture had been turned she let the fool in.
He helped her , yet left more mess than there was to begin. He promised her everything and every night left giving nothing and taking much. There it hit her. This companion, OH , Oh she seemed to cry. What have I done ?
There was the picture still placed in the small area she had accepted it to be in. The place she had chosen for Him, when it once was a part of everything. It looked as though tears began to fall. She took both hands lifted the picture. Would she turn it around. What a gentleman she thought. He waited. He allowed me to shut Him out and waited. Every rendezvous with the fool began to fill her head. Anguish, anguish filled her face. Falling to her knees, gently she turned the picture, revealing the floor of the house more cluttered than ever. Crying out, screaming, banchie yells, she looked at His face. Thorns on His head. Blood and cuts and the same view of pain she had felt. But at the return of His face, it was leaving her. It was falling away. The home did not look so defeating. The work the burden would be easy.
Thank you, thank you she whispered as she hung His face in its open view. Alone she laid down and alone she slept.
Being that the children were upstairs and desiring their complete safety she knew though she hid His sight he must hear there needs.. Yes It must be that way she thought to comfort herself. So many days she stared into His face desiring nothing more than the deepest connection. There had been a break. A cord in her a cord of desire pulled so hard it snapped. Now possibly from shame , lost faith or whatever heartache she suffered she had placed Him away. Yes, to look away is how she positioned Him. Truly knowing she had no such control over the eyes that always saw her. But she would maintain this fairy tail to subside her worries.
There was a new companion. As she cleaned the house, lovingly , lonely and quietly with just a hint of bitterness but it was growing gradually this new companion came to visit. He was just a man but sometimes she saw this new man in a cartoonish way. Slightly hunched, colored red, Horns, pitchfork. Laughable though. It was her imagination of course. This companion made things seem a way they never had before. The shame was not so bad to bear since the face had been turned away and the new friend made so many statements in jest she laughed at what was once offensive on the behalf of another.
Maybe it was an affair. Her heart wanting the man who she had turned away, and embracing the light heartedness of this newcomer into her home. When he came around though it oddly seemed that no matter how much she picked up the room always found more clutter nothing ever felt or looked clean like it had with Him. The new man she had decided if she could give him a name it would be foolish sin. That's the embrace he gave her like the lustful youth of childhood. Something once she thought she had let go. Here he was though and every night since the picture had been turned she let the fool in.
He helped her , yet left more mess than there was to begin. He promised her everything and every night left giving nothing and taking much. There it hit her. This companion, OH , Oh she seemed to cry. What have I done ?
There was the picture still placed in the small area she had accepted it to be in. The place she had chosen for Him, when it once was a part of everything. It looked as though tears began to fall. She took both hands lifted the picture. Would she turn it around. What a gentleman she thought. He waited. He allowed me to shut Him out and waited. Every rendezvous with the fool began to fill her head. Anguish, anguish filled her face. Falling to her knees, gently she turned the picture, revealing the floor of the house more cluttered than ever. Crying out, screaming, banchie yells, she looked at His face. Thorns on His head. Blood and cuts and the same view of pain she had felt. But at the return of His face, it was leaving her. It was falling away. The home did not look so defeating. The work the burden would be easy.
Thank you, thank you she whispered as she hung His face in its open view. Alone she laid down and alone she slept.
