Deep Breath Deep Breath. I kept giving myself mental pep talks as I re - entered the modern day office. The real workforce. I was now a part of this thing it seemed real adults beyond my capacity took part in. I knew how to be an independent contractor . I knew how to be my own boss or be THE BOSS. With that came the reality that I alone am responsible for my own income.
But when you're more prone to great ideas and little drive everyday ends up Friday and not the Joel Olsteen book version. The kind of Friday where you give up and check out before the job is done because well - It's Friday.
This, however was Monday , day 1. I had left the job where I would make the world a better place because there is noly so much of little kids doing the PeeWee Herman while simultaneously saying yous a hoe bag miss yous a hoe bag that you can take before your make the world a better place attitude takes a what came first the chicken or the egg mentality.
Did these parents give up and lose custody because of the child or did the child act this way because the parent gave up?? I know it's never the child's fault but I am married with 4 kids I am underappreciated enough. So when this 9-5 came through and I already adored my boss to be I could only say Thank you Jesus.
I digress, It was 9 am a meeting scheduled and a tour to begin my day. There were tacos for the morning meeting and a potluck scheduled for lunch! Score! Then the tour began. There were innuendos that didn't apply to me (on-going office animosity in no way involving me but possibly addressing a paper towel scandal) and talk of missing bathroom keys and work e-mails addressing the missing bathroom keys! This was the jack pot. I do not like drama for myself . I can not handle the stress I literally freak out and then shut down - but I am a cheerleader & sidelines popcorn eating hoe for other people's drama. I love a good train wreck. I have a dark side that morns anytime someone in my Facebook newsfeed gets sober and I suddenly can't look up their most recent status to feel better about my life.
As soon as I got to my desk I was informed that no personal e-mails should ever pass through the walls of my sacred work e-mail. There are literally employees hired at the home office to do nothing but read through e-mails to avoid illegal financial activity. SOMEONE HAND ME THE MIKE AND IKES! I was heading into the second scene. As soon as I was left alone at my desk I searched bathroom keys. BING. BING , BING. I named it PottyGate before I even read them. Sadly they were lackluster and held no true dramatic effect. No one accusing the fat guy of having diabetes and always going to the bathroom therefor he must have them, no affair and an ill gotten lover storming out and forgot return them. Just plain and simple , someone left them on their wrist and returned the keys that day.
So far I am learning that I can make my way back in the workforce and the solitude I love is my best friend in my cubicle . Often talking to other adults is no different than talking with my children . Today in the staff meeting there was the kindest reprimand I've ever heard about being to loud one day last week and my mind was ablaze with loud sentences " LOOK YOU'RE AN ADULT" "YOU'RE IN A REAL MEETING AND YOURE BEING TOLD TO KEEP THE VOLUME DOWN" I didn't die and I haven't screwed anything up yet. The most exciting thing did happen - Another set of keys have disappeared. Maybe the stress of these keys will start an e-mail worth eating popcorn.
My mom tried so hard. It was always a disaster. From John Williams Cotillion to Anne Tobin Rolands Miss Manners. Any chance to get me in gloves and have good posture she signed me up.
Her dream was to raise a lady and have her marry well. She used to tell me , "Mindy , marry a doctor. They make plenty of money and they are never home." The key to this was to be a lady.
In the above photo I have managed to sneak out of a Fox Trot, take off my gloves and move all the food next to me on the couch in the San Antonio Country Club. My legs aren't together and I am pretty sure at a ripe old age of 12 or 13 I was about to say, "FUCK" because some snitch was taking a photo of my un lady like behavior. For appearances it was the best and my mother was so happy. I was eating with Red Mccombs's grandson and making 60 minutes for helping with the John Williams and showing up on PBS for knowing how to be a great hostess and where my silver wear goes. The only thing that lasted was the fact that if silverware was placed at the front of my plate we were having desert. If there wasn't cake you earned my life long resentment for being a place setting liar.
I have a tacky bit in my stand up set about how both of my parents lacked confidence in me as an individual and were training me to marry well. If they had communicated better my mom could have saved a lot of money with those fancy classes because my the other stuff I was learning was free and it was a solid blow job that landed me both of my husbands. Then I call anyone who didn't laugh a child molester .
I like a good dirty laugh. I like calling people names from a stage. I am not a lady if ladies don't do that. I asked friends what being a lady meant to them. Mostly it was grace and not drawing attention to one's self. I am an awkward babbling loon. I draw attention even without trying. I ask questions I imagine other people are wondering . I sound rude, I use critical thinking and judge out loud when I deem necessary.
Does not being lady of a superior social position or sneaking food and leaving my legs un crossed make me less of a woman? I feel like it does sometimes. Do I imagine Jackie Kennedy and think of me ? Nope not me.
I think a modern day lady close to Phaedra Parks, clutching her pearls and saying Fix it Jesus.
My most mesmerizing encounter with real ladies are the women that I see at shows, gloves, ball gowns perfect make up and even escorts dressed in suits to take their hands as they step off stage. I am so obsessed and enchanted. Everything I long to embody as a natural woman NO ONE does better than a drag queen....
These woman ! These Queen's in several senses embody everything I have learned a lady is. I am waiting to hear from you what do you imagine a lady to be?
Ferguson. The town that never meant anything to me until Michael Brown. If you had said Ferguson to me before that day I would only be thinking of an athletic friend from my childhood. I also would have asked why are you still calling her by her last name? She is married now it's something else. Anyways, I digress. I often do this. As a country we do this often. The question shouldn't be Ferguson : What are your thoughts? The question should be Ferguson, it happened and what can we do as a solution ? No matter what your viewpoint is on the incident you see a problem.
Some of you are mad because of this :
I see this photo as a 3 part issue.
1. The African American ( usually male) is seen as a threat more than that the Caucasian without any cause.
On Facebook , not very long ago, my friend posted :
TO MY WHITE FRIENDS PLEASE USE YOUR WHITE PRIVELEAGE.
. My life experience has been I grew up in an integrated multicultural upper class suburb with a minority mayor in San Antonio. Unheard of for many. I never saw racism beyond the mumbling of my two east Texas farm raised parents because of their ignorance not hate. I never related because there were no socio-economic divides between cultures and everyone was equal. My experience of racism was in the US ARMY when private White with her name tattooed on her neck stole my clothes while I was in the shower , my sodas as they came out of the machine and one day told me I better watch out she came from the ghetto of DC- TO WHICH I replied I come from Texas with sawed off shotguns. The primarily black base in SOUTH CAROLINA private white labelled me racist and then so did my LT. When race had never come into my equation. Then in Louisiana where white people considered me an enemy in my non race based ideals. Black people resented me for not having race based ideas. No winning in a community of equal hate. Then Palestine where the socio-economic divide is so grand racism is based on ignorance. Poor white people behave poorly often because no one has set a standard and minorities are behind in education and so on because of factors like slavery and segregation. Then while in Palestine doing management at a hotel the woman in the kitchen that happen to be black didn't want to be kind didn't want to do her job job to all that it required and accused a Buddhist symbol of peace for being a swastika and had much negative to say about ownership being Indian. Then a young black male employee was called into my office one day because he had had friends over to the hotel acting a fool. I told him because of his saggy pants in his teardrop tattoos that if he continued to not dress in a certain way and talk a certain way and behave a certain way while at work everything that he can't help such as his skin color and his age will work against him and it is unfortunate but is the true fact of society. I've then explained that as a young blonde woman with a high pitched voice no one wants to take me seriously so I have to work harder. He left my office telling people I called him a ni**er
Then remember when I beat the ever living tar out of Judah because I was told he used the N word ? Only after to find out because those two boys used it to each other so he thought it was just what you say. I accept the challenge of being aware of my white privilege. I also am aware that I can not make a public statement to my black friends challenge them to challenge others to live beyond the stereotype , accept all things and people are not race based and live beyond your economic status because I would be seen as a privileged white woman speaking in ignorance and being racist. Im not. I accept the issue of racism and hate and the injustice. I accept your challenge . I also ask you to explain to me the flip side I see that took someone like me that saw no racial divide but now as an adult struggles at times to be as color blind because of experiences people of other races have made a racist issue when it wasn't. It jaded me. I lost some sympathy I became a lesser person. Does that make sense ?
I'm writing this privately to you because I trust you and I believe you will be able to hear me and explain and help me understand that piece I find myself missing. I used to never feel jaded in t hhhh is area but I felt a tiny sting while reading and the reasons were because I was once a defender of all and Palestine , the army and Louisiana sort of robbed me of it. Mostly by those I was defending.
I want to keep her identity a secret because I didn't ask her permission . This was her response :
Dearest Mindy: Let me begin by saying that I don't have many friends, mostly acquaintances...so I used the term loosely on FB yesterday. However, I DO consider you my friend, my sister. Please know that I hold Black people accountable for their actions and teach personal responsibility as well as acceptance in my community, encountering mostly Black folks. Nothing that I stated in my post invalidates your experience, which ironically, is very similar to mine. I posted the article because Black people often don't have a voice, failing to speak for themselves out of fear, and sometimes ignorance. I have access to a wide range of people who may ignore my post today, but whose heart my be changed tomorrow or next year. Seed planted. I feel that I have been quiet on the topic too long, allowing some people to believe that everything is ok, that only certain "types" of Black people are impacted by racism, ignorance, and hate. 1. Private White was WRONG!
2.The Black base in SC was wrong.
3. The lady in the kitchen was WRONG.
4. The young back male employee was WRONG.
5. The little boys who influenced Judah (and more importantly their parents) are WRONG.
And anyone else who has misjudged you is WRONG. But my dear dear friend, YOU are ALIVE.
Trayvon Martin Is DEAD.
Michael Brown is DEAD.
Eric Garner is DEAD.
Sean Bell is DEAD.
Timothy Stansbury is DEAD.
Oscar Grant is DEAD.
And the list goes on. I DON'T want MY SON on this list. He is much more likely to be on the list than Judah is. Black people make up approximately 13% of the United States of America. Therefore, the real power rests in the hands of people who look like you. There is so much I want to say, other things that I need to explain. And in time, I will. But due to time constraints, I will leave you with this. We all get tired. Become jaded. Get tired of helping people. Wanting better for people who don't seem to want better for themselves. But, I know that there have been white people who have committed egregious acts against you. Yet, you didn't give up on White people in general. You have beautiful white children, a loving white husband, and trustworthy white friends. So, why give up on anyone else...? I don't think you can, and still call me your friend. We are trying to fix a legacy that has been 400 years in the making. Despite what people say/think, the brutality of slavery was not fixed with the Civil Rights Movement. The pain lives on. Black people are accountable for allowing the atrocities of the past to enslave them in the present. And white people are responsible for perpetuating the untruth that my Blackness makes me 3/4 human.
Mindy, people like us-you and ME- can help heal the division. But if we stay silent, nothing will change.
What stuck out to me the most? What made me cry and feel a bit dead in my heart?
The fact that as a survivor of abuse all at the hands of Caucasian males , a rape at the hands of a Hispanic male and never ending sexual harassment at the hands of White males I had only given up on race... Black men and women. Not completely and I cringe at racist remarks however my dear friend identified something I couldn't see. I had only lost hope in one culture and it wasn't the one that had done me the most harm!!! Why? I believe because it is perpetuated in media. Whether it is music , tv or anything really it is perpetuated with baggy pants, gold chains, Friday ( the movie), Menace to Society(movie), rap music and so on. Here is the unfortunate part to me is that I believe it is an inner cultural issue because these things are done within the culture however the media blows it up 1000x and that is everyone's responsibility! If there is such thing as white privilege I use mine now to ask those I connect with STOP THE STEREOTYPE AND QUIT THE HATE!
Part 2 Media! Stop perpetuating stereotypes that divide us.
3. Stop hating the police ! They keep us safe a majority of the time. A few bad eggs doesn't mean you burn down a farm.
This photo makes people angry. All I can say is as people no matter your race or gender we generally make things worse! Stop it!
I wanted to say to all my non black friends that pictures of riots in Ferguson with sentences such as :
You're proving you're ghetto. This only takes away from you saying it's not a race issue and you sound/look racist.
To my Black friends please stop hating all white people on Facebook with videos and quotes it doesn't solve the race issues. It makes it worse.
These photos make people mad. Either because they feel it was deserved and his parents caused a riot or because they see a boy that is dead and parents that are grieving.
I don't know them. I have no idea what sort of people they are day to day. I do know this As parent we all do the best we can even if it's not a great job. As children we make a mess of the world but in our ability to grow up and become adults the lucky ones try to do better.
Michael did not have the ability to grow up.
His parents must be grieving. They lost a child.
None of us were there.
The best I can do is assume the officer was doing the best he could that day on his job.
Vandalism doesn't stop hate or right wrongs.
I ask you all what are your thoughts on solutions? What can I , we do to make the world better ?
Everyone had so many opinions about #breaktheinternet . You know, the Kim Kardashian picture?
If you are anything like me and have a clear understanding that just like death is inevitable so is the decreased use of our brains for anything worthy. I feel just like with death I want to choose how each brain cell is ruined. I choose reality TV. My favorite is the #RHONJ . I need to reference this because it helps prove my point that we all at some point, even for a fleeting second, feel desirable, wanted, sexy, beautiful. Then sometime somewhere it dissipates. Eventually it dies.
In the Real Housewives of New Jersey a scene I have searched the internet for with no success Dina asks how Teresa doesn't mess up her hair in her sleep. I have reenacted the entire moment....
This to me shows it doesn't matter how rich and famous you become in time you just don't want to mess up your hair and he won't care anyways. You stop noticing how sexy or beautiful your spouse is no matter who you are. Imagine being married to Kanye or Kim . They are both so annoying and arrogant. Self absorbed. How much do you think they already get on each other's nerves? It's like a normal couple annoyance on steroids !!! I used to take pictures on anniversaries as gifts for my husband and put books together. I was so proud I felt beautiful and for a day he was hot and bothered.
I was so proud. But we have argued since then we have pissed each other off and wished each other dead since then. He knows that ass comes with a price. I 'm just saying spice dwindles!!! Good job Kim break the whole damn internet stick it to that asshole Kanye! Also there will come a time when your butt can only be shown for comedic relief.
Let that butt shine! Shine on! One day no one will care but the following will still be enjoyable:
Most importantly though Kim's ass is important because of this
Deep thoughts by the Faulkner that never was..... So many metaphors and innuendos . I guess I thought I was a beatnik that had missed her opportunity in a small café where they wore tiny hats and watched films in French.......
I also learned life may have been easier if someone had taken it upon them selves to have me medicated during this time right after my divorce, if I could spell and possibly spent a little less time at church.......
Life Beat of My Heart
My heart it beats a soft soft whisper,
Abba , Jesus, Lover, Father,
Two syllables keeping me alive - thump thump,
Yet there is existence a cry a calling in each beat,
Its heavy in my chest, Its holding by a thread,
Yet I remember he lives and is not dead,
Not mourning on the cross, not distant , not far away
He lives and loves me each day,
Should we go on sinning that grace may abound,
In the ugly mud I slip and feel I could drown,
Child Child Lover of my soul,
Pick up that cross carry your bed follow me away from here we must go,
Again I feel life,
Abba, Father, Savior, Lover
Thump, Thump
It beats again.......
For Gee Wiz
Stuck in what you see, Can not bust out before you judge me, Trapped by what you preconceive, Mirror isn't honest it doesn't pierce my soul, Can't get over it cause its you who wont let go, I know you would love me if you'd let me let you in, I know you'd love me if you'd get past the skin, I am not who you see, I am not who you perceive, I am the man that God made I am the man fallen slave to your eyes, I am made perfect what you see is a disguise, Do you ponder can you grasp, What I say Who I am perfectly made A Godly man....
You not here anymore but I can feel you,
Covers keep me warm but the chill it rushes down my back,
I feel you,
The bleeding stopped but I twinge when touched there,
I feel you,
The pillow is soft and comforts my neck but I gasp like I am choking,
your gone but I feel you,
They say you kicked the devil out and let him leave his bags
Your gone - I can feel you
TWISTED TANGLED WORDS SWELLING IN MY THROAT,
Scramble for a pen search the pockets in my coat,
My minds displaying images of words they scream in my ears begging to come out,
Writing writing but never as fast as I need,
Another lingering sentence every time I read,
It could go on forever - it might just never stop,
Cannot get it all on paper, thought after thought after thought,
A soon as I think I am done the fairies of thesaurus have another word dying to be used,
It's like their wonderful sounds are lonely, dying, neglected,
The more I get out the less I am confused,
Struggle struggle struggle the words come out more than once,
Its not a stammer its a poetic touch,
Hoping pleading praying that you get the hunch,
a hunger a thirst a need fro resolution
Someone say " I get it" and end an artist own confusion
Yes its true , I want to be loved, to be educated , to be touched
A caress that lasts through the night...
When I cry out and when I cry out - Yes the congregation mourns
When I cry out, When I cry out with truth and I am set free, The congregation they pity me,
Yes! Yes! I want to dance I want to lose control - I want to be trapped and just scream my way out...
But when I cry out when I bring it to the cross - The CONGREGATION mourns what a pity I am lost,
YES, YES! I want to live I want to swim the ocean I want to breath it in I want to swim naked at midnight I want to sin....
Yes I cry out I am honest I go ahead and walk again through the door, Gonna lay it down because blessed are the poor,
But when I cry out when I cry out the congregation turns their head, Due to sin she is dead....
I scream I scream is it wrong to feel the rain to chase the breeze to feel the pain....
AM I WRONG?
If she had known the promise she made,
If she had known before upon the bed she laid,
If she had known
If she had known would she have done it different ?
Probably not,
She would have tested her control but never stopped,
If she had known the scars that she would carry,
If she had known the dreams she would bury,
Would she have stopped?
Probably not,
Would have trained her foresight practiced control,
There nothing you could tell her nothing she thought she didn't know,
If she had known.....
In me is passion dying to be free,
I see the image of the options that stand before me,
Small men laughing dancing around,
Like Rumplestilskin pleading for me to fail and fall down,
Dancing around a fire ,
As I look I feel the heat and the flames get higher,
Just a dance just a taste,
Why I hear the pleading don't do things in haste,
The pain will reside,
Sweetheart from some things you cant hide,
I turn to softer plea its a voice of true love for me,
Why the struggle when the answers so clear,
Why to the fire do I step near?
The pain will only increase ,
To one side I will burn,
The other I will not even smell of smoke,
Yet there's a pull and I feel weak and begin to choke,
Its overwhelming the fight I feel,
Oh just know he is God child and be still,
Simple words become so hard,
Simple words have I wandered too far ?
A man who loves me a man who passionately pursues,
I divided my heart I followed a man in a dark coat,
I allowed myself to be misused,
He cries out in this unrequited love,
Beloved ...Beloved...Prodigal, come home,
He ascends in spirit with grace like a dove,
I run a faster pace,
Why why show me mercy why show me grace?
A heart divided a heart that cant be true,
Father, Abba daddy I hide,
But before it was done you knew,
Fill this cup, Fill this place
Cleanse me, wash me
Wipe this dirty face,
A woman a harlot a heart divided a soul torn
Yet you knew my purpose before I was born,
You set the path before me and you made it so straight,
You wrote my name in blood in the books at heavens gate,
blessed blessed be your name,
Fine tune the parts that still remain..............
Jesus come on in,
Wash me in your blood forgive me of my sin,
Fill my heart and make it whole,
Die on the cross and save my soul,
I never even asked for the price you paid ,
But oh Jesus, Jesus I brought it to the cross and at your feet it lay,
You let my dirty face shine and made me new,
Jesus oh Lord I give my life to you
There is no penicillin for this burn
No band aid to stop the bleed
No peroxide to wash away the germs that spread from you to me
Its love and I caught the bitter end
Its love or something that's not my friend
Its ache in my heart and lust or desire
The burn is an all consuming fire
Its not an infection that you can cease the spread
It wont kill you but I feel dead
Its a crush its unrequited its love it whatever you prefer
But wants the heart is involved its a kick with the boot and a stab with the spur
You may feel crazy but no Froyd talking smile will save you from the pain
Its called promises and dreams down the drain
A bitter sour bite
Yet you still hope there's a ringing on the phone tonight
Something sweet in the hope
Something painful in the fall and no valium to cope
Its something sucking out life and yet your not dead
For the broken hearts there are no meds
I AM
I am what you said in so many ways
I am not however in being that holy
I am not what you say but I did what I did
We are not equal ?
You taste of my flesh and leave me to lie and lay and alone
You leave
I work on lives not my own I raise children
I lay and deny to be not what you say
I am not that inside only in what I have done
I came undone clothes undone bows and ties unwrapped
They fell to the floor
They dropped to be no more
And you call me out you judge by your past
Its not my scar its not me
You left me to lie and lay and alone
You judge by your past
I was not there it was not me
I thought I was doing what was kind
The sin I was in had me blind
Can you though identify yourself thinking you have me nailed
Well hammer in your hand can you peg this one too?
In the mirror given a chance can you identify you?
You left me to lie to myself
You left me to lay as you went on to others
You left me alone cold ashamed and naked
Not of cloth and silk but of morals naked from the ones I used to wear
A cloak of righteousness
It fell next to the other things that fall away when I am with you
So you say I am this thing you called me but given a glimpse with the mud on your own face
Could you call yourself out
Could you hammer in that nail?
I am sure it was not my blood that was shed,
I know I have not risen from the dead -
Yet you keep on keep on keep on calling me to save you,
I do not have my name carved in stone,
No statues of me standing alone -
Yet you keep on keep on keep on begging me to make a change in you,
But I I struggle and I I stumble and I I cant even fix myself
And I I cry and I I try hard too
Buts its so hard to
You make me die to
Love you
Just to love you
You wouldn't get there given a map You say your eyes are open but your blind
The songs play of mellow drama sap
You say we are all the same
There was one you gave your heart away
Its not original
The games we all play
Its not the first
So many have been burned by this disease called love
Not original
You wouldn't get there given a shove
Your youth overwhelms your sight
your heartache surpasses your age
Maybe what happened was not right
You are not a tragic hero
Too young to understand
To dense
I cannot give you hand
I cannot help you out
My homework was done and turned in before you even began
Too young
You couldn't get it
You may never understand
Too young
Possibly I sabotage myself calling it the greater good
For certain I harm myself
Possibly I tell stories with great dramatics to avoid feeling the real and raw truth
For certain my own view has become blurred
Possibly I claim to love because I feel
For certain I quit often consumed with emotions undefinable
Possibly I blame much on him whomever he may be Lord God ex of mr right now
For certain I have been burned by my own choices
Possibly the words that tangle in my mouth I call art
For certain they are the thoughts that choke me at my neck
Possibly I have done full circle because it normal to regress at trauma
For certain I have defiled my own name
There it is again just like the dog chasing his tail,
Just like a wart on a witches nose,
there it is again,
I got that phone call this morning and I heard your voice,
everything telling me I want to move forward,
I know its coming and yes I know its coming,
Oh yes there it is again,
There it is again,
look what I have done to you its my fault
what you've become,
look what I've done
look what I've done
and there it is again
You always take everything and leave me the blame,
You take it all and its all the same
you're always taking and never give
But you leave the blame and its my fault my fault that you cant live
The red heart pounds against the brown brittle rope ,
It burns and the beat intensifies the relentless lock down of the ties,
That's you and I,
Untie me, untie my heart,
The beats are for life and you have captured it,
They leave marks like the burn of your touch its scarring me,
My soul my life untie my heart,
Say it,
Say you love me or loosen the ties,
I beg I plead I will do anything to quit the bleed,
Its slow it drains my life,
I wait I wait up on you ,
I lose I lose sleep I just lose,
Untie me! Untie my heart,
Let the rope burns heal, let me beat, Calm and still,
The fast pace pounding just from the joy of your appearance,
Its counteracting, untie me
Sometimes its as if you cant hear
That would be a benefit of the doubt
Father ha
Its just a term so plainly used
used up
spent
dry
Here I go rambling on
Not as if it matters you never hear a word
Everything I say embellished?
or absurd?
Whatever your choice may be
whatever denial you may plea
We know
I know
Some do but wont say
Its the bed you made now you have to lay
Resentful no
Perturb I suppose
Who really is to say
I imply your deaf when you hear not what I say
The other choices somehow rude possibly cursing the giver of my seed
ha huh funny you see
So I just ramble in your company
Sometimes I have been known to shout
Its incase your deaf I do not want you left out
The louder I scream though the less you talk
The louder I holler the farther you walk
Should we stop here and admit it all
Should we go ahead and say you hear it all
But your ill
Maybe this is the source
Whatever the codependent story I am to lonely refer to when others cannot understand your lack of comprehension
Dare we say
should now imply
You are just that sort of guy
Do we not hide the skeletons in closet
Do we open that door?
Do we tell them my father is a w...Hold on no we will not
It is not the way
3 sisters all older yet one is a half you say?
Oh yes isn't it funny?
How does that work
Well daddy had money
Its so hard you know to say no these days
Boys will be boys
Those games they play
its a never ending twist and turn hiding evidence under rocks
Keeping closets shut with locks
Yes Father have it your way will keep your secrets another day
In My Mind
Today I could smell your skin on mine
I soaked it all in and breathed again
Today it ached deep inside
I wanted you back
Back in me back where you used to be
I could see your face
Like I could reach out and touch you
I yelled but no repore between us
Its hard to make the imaginary reveal there secrets
Its harder to get them to acknowledge your existence
Yet I tasted you in my mouth
It watered and dripped
Like staring at a pickle jar
My tongue swoll
Thick and heavy it laid in my mouth
I smelled you
I watched you walk away’
And return, because as it plays out
Yes in my head how it plays out
You returned against my plea
You caught me
You knew when I said no I meant yes
You did not retreat you did not let go
I saw you
I hung on to stench of some overpriced cologne for teenagers that you think is so cool
And you smiled as I laughed because we were secure in one another
She stared at you as each breath made her chest larger and you looked at me
I knew you were mine
I tasted you
As you circled the room the kiss left moisture on my lips
I laughed at your silly jokes you told
You see in my mind we are happy and you are not gone
It plays out different though its wrong
I am Don Quixote in my own right I suppose
Sometimes some times its hard to let go
If I could not sleep I know you'd sing a lullaby
If there was an itch I could not scratch I know you'd try to reach
But what if I was choking on the ashes of the flames from my sin
Where would you be then? Where would you be then?
Calling out to Jesus but dialing you on the phone
Crying out God but inviting you home
But if I was choking on the ashes consuming me of self indulgent sin,
Where would you be then? Where would you be then?
And I know its a long road to repentance
and I know its longer alone
But When the night falls, I pray to God I pray to God
Don't let me pick up that phone
Bed is cold and lonely, Sheets are clean, singing songs of heartache
Trying to live like the redeemed
and I know and I know and I know
You would come
You would come
If I could not sleep you'd sing a lullaby
If there was an itch I could not scratch you'd try to reach
But when I'm drowning in my sin
Where are you, where are you then?
No conversation that's to deep
No commitment I'm too cheap
Waiving my fists but the chains wont break
If I could not sleep I know you'd sing a lullaby
If there was an itch I couldn't scratch I know you'd try to reach
but what if I was choking on the ashes of the flames from my sin
Where would you be then? Where would you be then?
Calling out to Jesus but dialing you on the phone
Crying out to God but inviting you home
But what if I was choking on the ashes of this all consuming sin,
Where would you be then? Where would you be then?
Jesus I cried out to you today but I didn't go to heaven it just echoed through a hollow grave Jesus I screamed out to you today because I heard you save But I wasn't at the cross or even on my knees I cried at the rock begging for ease Where's is that yoke where's the burden not so hard to bare I cried out at the grave and you were not there There was a time I was sure you had risen a time I would have called out to heavens gates Not sure what happen in my soul not sure But Jesus please make this evil go
Here he comes, Here he comes
He wants to take control go deep inside me
and consume my soul
Here he comes, Here he comes
Lost in this world
Deep and thick
Lost in this world cannot stand this shit
Lost Lost
My perception my experience
You will not rob my independence
Will not be lured by emotional manipulation
To please your mental masturbation
Here he comes
Deep Lost Thick Control
This is not love
LET GO
Pull me closer
Pause - rest at my eyes
again, again
The music the rain
The intensity the beat the their rhythm all the same,
in sequence
Moving together
Pull me closer I'm slipping back
again, again
My head tilts, my back arches
Rest - in my eyes
again, again
The beat ,
DA DA, DA DA
My hips,
CIRCLE, swish.... Circle , swish
My mouth
Half open, available
My Gaze far away inside myself,
The dance
My moves
The beat
DADA-DADA
I forget as she sits,
I forget there's a tiny lump so small unseen,
Wanting to eat her inside out,
I forget as she smiles and laughs,
The beast that wants to take her womanly ownership away,
I forget because her beauty takes my memory away,
C-A-N-C-E-R it eats as we laugh,
Cancer I forget
So brave so happy she sits
He abused me but he always was at every important event,
Locked up...
He knew I wasn't crazy because the secret he kept,
Greedy but gave me too much,
My Father scarred me with a touch,
Always there to listen unless its about the secret,
Always calling always there,
Control, locked away,
The secret the game we played,
He is smart but sneaky, Kind but deceitful, Fun but vulgar,
And I, Yes I ran to a man just the same,
My legacy has me to blame,
So common so alike,
Both hurting cutting me without the need of a knife,
Yet like heroin to my veins I ask for more,
Just say you love me ,
Then Then I can be the open door,
The small faces that look up in dismay,
The small faces will there pain go away
Can I ever explain my ignorance my innocence and the way I just didn't know,
My past is now there's and will they ever let it go.
My father, and there's too
Alike and different but bring the same pain,
alike but different Father.....
WOMAN HAVE GONE THIS PATH BEFORE
SCARLETT LETTERS, BLOODY HANDS AND A RIDE APON A BEAST
IS IT AMBITION PRIDE OR LONLINESS
THAT EGNITES THESE SOULESS FEASTS
I LIED THE LIE AND LET HIM LAY
I TOO LIED THE LIE AND LET HIM STAY
I CRIED OUT GOD BUT THE ECHO REMAINED HOLLOW
I CRIED OUT WHY
THEN I HEARD CHILD IT WASNT ME YOU FOLLOWED
THE LETTER SCORCHES MY SKIN THROUGH CLOTH
MY HANDS MY HANDS THEY JUST WONT WASH
THEN THE THOUGHT THE AWARENESS OF THE TRUTH
I LIED THE LIE I LET HIM STAY
LIED THE LIE LET HIM LAY
LIED AND LIED GAVE MYSELF AWAY
Gallop gallop the sound of the horse
Sweet beloved the gentle words of a princes voice
Hold you forever love you like the one
Mary me forever
or until I have had my fun
Truly where does he live?
Prince charming from the tale
Is just an empty resume
Or is it I who fails
Trembling at his words excited by his promise.......... forever
The words fell from his mouth and lingered in my ears
Tickled me sweetly and took away the fears
The words fly away in the wind
The words are not what make him
I can tell you where my prince resides
On a cross he died
Beat hell and the Devil too
Took my sins and cries Beloved I paid for you
He took action and spoke Truth
That's my prince Charming that's the fairy-tail
That's the forever and in it I dwell
I will never be pretty enough, I will never be skinny enough to cease the war which wages within me,
Alas, though there is a prince,
A prince of peace and at HIS very words storms cease,
Jesus Jesus I call your name, I cried in mourning
and with Joy you came,
Of myself nothing was right I was lost I blind,
You my Lord gave me sight,
Thank you as I sit at your feet,
I rest in you and feel complete,
Thank you Thank you for your mercy and grace,
These things gave me peace and I left my dark place
If I was drowning and you may never see me again my last breaths were upon me, your hand touched my shoulder your and it could be your last touch ....could you let go?
Its your hand that holds me under - the doubt that I can swim - its your sweet words that make me wonder...
Could you? will you? dare you let go?
Tossing, fighting, praying just to get passed the weight so I can swim, Its your gentle touch Let go let me be free again......
You mean no harm. Naïve to the facts. YOUR longing left but my heart still reacts....
I do not wish to ask but do you think you could ?I know you want to linger BUT remove your hand if you would!
To think sweet words kind gestures and warm hello could keep me from swimming and drown me below ?
Its just the weight of your words maybe not even your hand,
to say forever and then to say just friend....
Darkness
I hear your soft whisper calling my name,
A sensuous pull,
To answer I would be just another soldier slain,
You see from your lips your whispers have called others before,
Women like me left feeling used and lay dying by a double edged sword,
You beckon me into my own darkness where not even a shadow may reside,
You show me all the desires longed by my flesh and you promise smoothness in the ride,
I am aware you are a liar and unauthentic in your ways,
See you take my beliefs and twist my saviors Grace,
Forgiveness comes, yes, and my repentance is real,
So in this new life this newness my salvation I will not let you steal,
Satan, Lucifer, Whatever darkness should be called,
I will not hide in the corner I will not live in contempt,
My role is to let my light shine into your dark dark lies,
I will expose the truth and answer to the lost ones cries,
Get behind thee, get behind thee, get behind thee now,
Yes loneliness is real but to you prince of darkness I will not bow,
I praise God and thank you that mercy is new and each day it abounds,
Bondage gone and though I trip and stumble I will not stay down,
The bright light warms my even tempered skin,
In comes the light of the world and out goes sin......
Sold my soul for seven dollars,
Sold my soul to the man at the door,
Seven dollars to be your whore,
Sold my soul for seven dollars,
Sold my soul to pass some time,
Sold my soul to bump and grind,
Pulling to left, pulling to right,
Sensuously dancing in the dark of night,
Sold my soul for seven dollars
Road Ahead
The scales are not even one is always higher,
but if you would remove me from the clutch of your selfish desire.....
I am kind I am sweet I am beautiful to see,
But why hold on if what you want is not even me?
Thank you I can float and the air is returning,
my heart will mend and soon will leave the yearning,
We both walk away and do not look back ,
the road ahead
the road ahead
is where I must be traveling at...
my prayer for today There was a time I danced I sang and smiled to greet the morning sun, Blessed to take another breathe, Oh Lord Oh Lord to long I cried why me how could you, And now so far out to see I struggle with the strokes and rhythm to breath , The tired arms that will get me back to shore! Dear Lord I need the life saver and still I need you to bless me with the sense to even grab hold, Life in the balance and still I would struggle with the wisdom to grab hold, Lord draw me closer hold me near, Before this tangled tangled thing I have sown becomes a knot I cannot untie Dear Lord bless me with wisdom I fall so short on insight, I lack good judgment at times when the answer is so clear, I chase rainbows knowing that there is no pot of gold, Bring me back home. I want live laugh and love celebrate cry and dance but I want it to all be in your honor and today I lack please Lord reign me in pull me back
another round
The bitter taste left in my mouth don't think its just last nights whiskey but baby maybe its our love gone south My heart how will it be ? How can I let it? How will this heart be free how will this heart be free Cigarettes and smoky bars Double shots of whiskey and my broken broken heart Dancing with him and I am crying your name Another round on me My heart My heart how will it be How can I let it This broken heart how will it ever be free Closing my eyes , just to remember the times we had in Mexico They are now just faded memories Light another cigarette hand on the bottle Another round on me My broken heart how can it be This aching heart how will it ever be free Let it go, Let it go, Let go the whiskey and me Let it go, Let it go, Let it go Cause baby its another round on me How can it be broken hearts, smoky bars Mexico and faded memories Oh oh oh its just another round on me....
The music Lied
I hated that I waited I hated that I cried But it was the music the dance The lyrics lied I was in a trance I always say no But that night I soul my soul I told the devil just one night Give me just one night By tomorrow its forever - forever by my side Too easy too easy when you smiled Too easy I just went wild So much I cant take back choices in my life I made But that night I let it go I hate that I wait I hate that I cry That Night I sold my soul Told the Devil lets roll I got this by tomorrow its forever forever by my side But it was the music it was the dance The lyrics lied I was in a trance Always say no But that night for a guitar and a smile I sold my soul
took
That thing that used to be , That soul that heart that me, Its gone, It left or I gave it away, Buried it between the sheets that day, cant undo what I have gone and done, its like a chain I carry each link fused by bitterness, Each awful taste the memory of your kiss, See you took and took and took, No regret no second look, Now drag drag clink clang, That's the sound of my dragging chain, Its not like I could scream and you would understand, You would not get it you're a man, But you see as a young girl I dreamed to be loved, You took you took , A robber not really I gave it away, Don't deny you knew the words I thought you'd say, You never did and never will That empty space is where whatever it was you killed
Woman I know every word they say is all the same, I hear it through and through, Every now and again I stop I pause I pretend what they say is true, the blame oh it lands square on me, The slander the shame the big letter A, I am woman hear me roar fall into your trap and I am the whore, There's no settlement no coming out even, Its not the same, Woman hang your head in shame, What Daddy did we may unknowingly advocate, As we use you dry and poke at your heartache, But you YOU GAVE IN IN, Its you Woman its your sin Carry it while we whisper, Joke at your own expense while we laugh, You are worth nothing more But cash it out we will call you whore
Short Story
There she stood knowing what she was attempting. She had just taken the picture down and turned his view away placing Him facing the wall. Between the bed and the pantry. Possibly the obscured view would keep Him from seeing the sprouting of her loneliness and save her from the mouse.
Being that the children were upstairs and desiring their complete safety she knew though she hid His sight he must hear there needs.. Yes It must be that way she thought to comfort herself. So many days she stared into His face desiring nothing more than the deepest connection. There had been a break. A cord in her a cord of desire pulled so hard it snapped. Now possibly from shame , lost faith or whatever heartache she suffered she had placed Him away. Yes, to look away is how she positioned Him. Truly knowing she had no such control over the eyes that always saw her. But she would maintain this fairy tail to subside her worries.
There was a new companion. As she cleaned the house, lovingly , lonely and quietly with just a hint of bitterness but it was growing gradually this new companion came to visit. He was just a man but sometimes she saw this new man in a cartoonish way. Slightly hunched, colored red, Horns, pitchfork. Laughable though. It was her imagination of course. This companion made things seem a way they never had before. The shame was not so bad to bear since the face had been turned away and the new friend made so many statements in jest she laughed at what was once offensive on the behalf of another.
Maybe it was an affair. Her heart wanting the man who she had turned away, and embracing the light heartedness of this newcomer into her home. When he came around though it oddly seemed that no matter how much she picked up the room always found more clutter nothing ever felt or looked clean like it had with Him. The new man she had decided if she could give him a name it would be foolish sin. That's the embrace he gave her like the lustful youth of childhood. Something once she thought she had let go. Here he was though and every night since the picture had been turned she let the fool in.
He helped her , yet left more mess than there was to begin. He promised her everything and every night left giving nothing and taking much. There it hit her. This companion, OH , Oh she seemed to cry. What have I done ?
There was the picture still placed in the small area she had accepted it to be in. The place she had chosen for Him, when it once was a part of everything. It looked as though tears began to fall. She took both hands lifted the picture. Would she turn it around. What a gentleman she thought. He waited. He allowed me to shut Him out and waited. Every rendezvous with the fool began to fill her head. Anguish, anguish filled her face. Falling to her knees, gently she turned the picture, revealing the floor of the house more cluttered than ever. Crying out, screaming, banchie yells, she looked at His face. Thorns on His head. Blood and cuts and the same view of pain she had felt. But at the return of His face, it was leaving her. It was falling away. The home did not look so defeating. The work the burden would be easy.
Thank you, thank you she whispered as she hung His face in its open view. Alone she laid down and alone she slept.
Most morning at my home typically start out like this.....
6:45 am at my house....Front door wide open as I head downstairs a sudden stop in my 8 year olds sons tracks. He was headed towards the kitchen with a 3 lb toad in his hand. Yep ! Barefoot and frog hunting in the rain I informed him much to his surprise I was not a real life witch and did not need eye of toad !! God Bless little boys..... and God help me ! This morning in particular started like this.....
At 6:30 am I hit another car in my driveway. 6:35 my husband embodied the father from Christmas story. He was thrilled ! 6:40 am I secretly get everyone expensive drinks from Starbucks. Emily handed me wrong card won't be a secret. Surely husband is more thrilled. 6:45 am I am lost in Hollywood Park & Emily spills overpriced drink all over herself. 7am I arrive at swim meet late and eat spray sunscreen trying to figure out how to operate spray bottle. Here's a hint don't point it towards your open mouth. 7:22 I'm about to spend until at least 2pm disqualifying sweet young children. Be jealous friends ! Happy Saturday !Also Josh Davis whom I swam with my entire childhood didn't remember me. I introduced Myself Mindy Madden from AHAC. He said ya good times there and wished me good luck. I can either be excited that I may possibly appear to be swimming 18 & under or just assume the whole day will be this way and call it TIME OF DEATH 7:29 AM . At times like these I would rather be making a poor call of judgment and feeding my family food that a loose toad could possibly pissed on in some adventure in my kitchen with my son!
Mahli has swam 2 of her 3 events placing 1st both times. Judah has swam 1of his 3 & took 2nd. I am so proud. Emily and Claire are doing an excellent job getting into my unattended wallet and spending money on concessions ! Proud mom of 4 winners !
There are always things that make being me a little better when I make it comparative like for instance.....
There may or may not be a teenager at the swim meet in a tuxedo Speedo. The implications of a tuxedo speedo are endless. For example the singing jazz from with a top hat and cane is in my pants. My mom wants you to look directly at my penis. My dad is proud. I will buy you lobster first. My favorite implication is I am not the parent making the worst judgment calls....When Emily my 11 year old innocent going into 7th grade got in the car she was all "Mom there was a speedo there that were freaking me out . It had a tuxedo on it and the was a bow tie was well you know where." all I could reply was I guess he was a fancy pants
Because I wasn't ready to give her a life lesson she would eventually learn on her own. He was just another dick in a suit.
All of this is very Nostalgic for me and I begin to almost salivate at the idea of being on the bocks again. The whistle, the horn , the race, the smell of chlorine. So I went to a San Antonio Masters adult swim practice.
In my imagination there will be people on the side waiting to be splashed as a form of entertainment as I dive in :-) — at Josh Davis Natatorium.It's definitely all about muscle memory. I made 45 minutes of the 1 & 1/2 hours. My goggles popped I had to fix them. I was overwhelmed with familiarity. .. this is what I once did on purpose to rest Then after 4 200meter IMs I rushed to the restroom incase I was going to vomit. Such nostalgia ... again something I did in the past to get out of practice. Yes I SA faces of disappointment and judgement as I left 45 minutes early but again all so familiar I felt at home :-) fingers crossed I make an hour tomorrow :-)
I haven't been back to a practice yet but I haven't given up on the idea that I will. Mostly I am hoping to exercise enough that people will stop giving me looks of disappointment when they learn my sister is a famous pro body builder. I am still losing weight by maintaining my Body By Vi shakes 2x a day. So I am going to end with shameless self promotion because writing a blog with terrible run on sentences and poor grammar doesn't pay any bills.
